She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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