Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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