She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
