we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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