Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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