i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
