If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
