I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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