what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
