i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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