I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize