Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
