Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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