it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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