I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
