I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
