Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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