Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
