It's like God shit irony all over that family
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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