I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
