I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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