He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
