Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Dignity is for republicans.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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