By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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