some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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