Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
