is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
