please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
