Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
