I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
