Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
