I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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