my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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