My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
