How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
