everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize