just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
