evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
