Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
