My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
