How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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