Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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