she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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