my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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