Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize