I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
