if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
