when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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