I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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