i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
