Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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