I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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