so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
